Other Millennia, Other Dreams

Winston Churchill once remarked that to know the future, one must know the past. Perhaps the deeper we delve into the past, the farther into the future we may see. The first twelve years of the 3rd millennium of the Current Era have been fraught with war and violence; let us hope for a more peaceful future. Meanwhile, let us take a journey, then, through prognostications from key millennial turning points, which come to us via cosmic telegraph.

1,000,000 B.C.E. (Before the Current Era): Now that our skull size has finally doubled the capacity of our cousins, the chimpanzees, hominids have gained a toehold on the future. The recent innovation in sharpened sticks has increased our efficiency as hunters, and our band’s daily catch rivals the output of sabre-toothed tigers or a pack of jackals. The day is not far off when all of us will wear pelts. In fact, our shaman has predicted that if we wear pelts regularly, we may lose our body hair and walk naked in this mild garden in which we dwell. And with the recent eradication of baboons in the area, we can now look forward to an era of peace, prosperity, and stability for all hominid beings.

30,000 B.C.E.: The future looks bright for Cro-Magnons. With the final growth spurt of the frontal lobes of the brain, humans will soon create more streamlined stone points for hurling at woolly mammoths. Our newly developed sense of time will enable us to coordinate group activities with some semblance of order. One day we will meet at a single appointed moment, all together, instead of whenever Zoog happens to build a campfire. These “committee” meetings will lead to even more advances, such as cooperative building projects (like beavers with their dams) and greater skill at manipulating fire. In fact, we may one day have a steady supply of running water and heat. And with the recent eradication of the last Neanderthals, we can now look forward to an era of peace, prosperity, and stability for all homo sapiens.

10,000 B.C.E.: The ice has melted! That alone promises a great kick-off to the millennium. The land is filled with lakes and rivers and new cereal grains growing along the shores. The MesoLithic Daily News predicts that some of these grains can be improved to yield a steady food supply. One day, we will all live in shelters made of animal hides in groups of several thousand folk (incredible as that number seems), each tending their own garden. Hunting will become the pursuit of a select elite, just as skirmishing is today. Specially trained women and men will go out killing deer and cattle for extra energy and feasts, while their sisters and brothers remain at home preparing bread and salad. Children will play and learn in safe, enclosed areas. And with the recent eradication of the Northern Nomads, we can now look forward to an era of peace, prosperity, and stability for all who dwell between the two great rivers.

2,000 B.C.E.: Welcome to the Age of Cities! Babylon is just bursting with new inventions! Engineers have refined the Sumerian wheel, making it lighter and stronger with a tighter turn ratio so that our war chariot has become the most fearsome military engine in history! Artisans create a welter of mosaics, statues, precious jewelry, delicately carved cylinder seals, and fine furniture that soon will adorn every household. No one will ever be poor again – there are enough artisans to provide luxury items for everyone! Improved techniques for predicting the future appear in the street stalls daily: tea leaves, dice rolling, juggling, liver reading, Sumerian astrology, and the hottest new rage—ornithomantics! (Visit Nebu’s stall just off the Grand Boulevard for a free reading!). In the not very far-off, every single Babylonian will exercise unprecedented control over their own lives! One day, experts say, we will all know exactly what’s going to happen each and every day. We will avoid the bad and augment the good! Babylon will have one million people and great walls that no invader will scale for a thousand years and upon whose ramparts two chariots can pass without scraping hubcaps! And with the recent eradication of the last Sumerian resistance, we can now look forward to an era of peace, prosperity, and stability for the Babylonian empire!

3000 CGE (Current Galactic Era): Homo Galactimus controls stellar regions far beyond even the most optimistic homo sapien dreams of just one short millennium ago! With the discovery of the fifth dimension in 2132 by Walt Disney, who had been revived from his long sleep in a cryogenic chamber, humans quickly expanded throughout the Milky Way, conquering one newly discovered planet after another. As Goofy always says to Astro-Mouse, “Who wudda thunk it?” The future looks as bright as the Crab Nebula from a Star Cruiser fun deck. What does that future hold? Can you imagine sixth dimensional mind travel to the center of our cosmos’s many black holes? How about seventh dimensional transitions into other universes? Or infinite dimensions of transcendental transformations? So many wonderful changes in store for those of us who have embraced Galactic Reality! And with the recent eradication of Planet Earth, we can now look forward to an era of peace, prosperity, and stability for the entire human race.

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